Can you hear the banjos playing? Pigs squealing? Yes it is that time of year again when we make our Easter Saturday pilgrimage to visit the in-laws. A necessary evil like ripping off a band aid, none the less, it must be done. This will be the first time my SIL will meet them.(do you really think they'd leave the county,not the country, county, to go to their oldest granddaughters wedding???)They will also meet my genteel future DIL. I hope this isn't a deal breaker. So how is this day going to go?
Highway to Hell
Let’s see…we pile into the van (we rented a 15 passenger, so that no one has an escape car) the teenagers complain, do we have to go? It’s gross down there! We say a prayer, because we need it. Then we drive for two and a half hours. DH and I talk about what we are going to experience, and make a pact that we will leave at the agreed upon nod. I primp in the mirror, because my mother-in-law will voice her opinions about my appearance when we get there. There is a long hill before we get there. Everyone gets tense. I give last minute orders. Most involve my daughters' safety.We arrive and some grubby child will run up to the van. He speaks but we don’t know what he is saying, we aren’t even sure who he is or who he belongs to. But there is always a grubby child.And it is always pointing at something.
The Inner Sanctum.
We enter the inner sanctum, it is dark and creepy. In a hospital bed in the middle of the living room, upon her throne, reins my mother-in-law Nell, the queen of the castle. My children have always referred to her as Grandma Nail. She bids us to approach and my children hesitate, and then move forward. We start at the oldest, moving to the youngest, giving a hug and greeting. She comments about our looks. Who looks like whom, that two brown eyed parents can’t have a blue eyed child. Out of our 8 children, two are blue eyed, one has hazel and the other five have brown. One of the blue eyed children looks exactly like her father. But you can't argue with someone with a 6th grade education, especially in regards to genetics.When she meets SIL she will wonder out loud if he is a ‘High Yaller’. She will say that future DIL is ‘real purdy’ while really looking her over. All the while clutching the poor girl's hand. No escape.Then we must listen to her litany of ailments and the gossip of the countryside.No details spared.
A Room With a View...
Everyone is missing at least one third of their teeth. The women wear those housecoat thingies over their clothes. My father-in-law wears a jumpsuit,like mechanics wear, but he isn’t working on any cars. He grunts when he hugs me. Ew. I have instructed all the girls to shake hands with the males. A huge stack of National Enquirers and Star magazines are available. Thank the Lord. They pronounce my husband's name Gay- Ray. They don’t know my children’s names past #2. Drunks come in and ask Gay-Ray to pray over them.Then there is the bathroom with the pink toilet, tub and sink; down the hall are the blue toilet, tub and sink. For some strange reason I like that little touch. Amazingly enough, there are at least a dozen toothbrushes in each bathroom.Everyone appears to be hard of hearing. There isn’t a high school diploma in the entire bunch. LOTS OF VEHICLES IN THE YARD. This includes an old school bus that they use for storage. Outdoor cats and dogs are not to be touched, this is my rule. Bit by bit the children slip out of the room. I am envious.
Bait and Switch
Within the first half hour, someone will whisper to Gay-Ray that he is needed outside. This will be the accomplice for his brother (who we will refer to as Uncle Crackhead), who is trying to milk him for money. Within a day of the trip, the niece ( Crackhead’s daughter) will try to call (collect) to get money too, Now that DS is back from his mission, I’m sure he will get lured outside too by one of his henchmen. By the end of the visit, Uncle Cracker’s 19 year old son will ask to come and live with us, assuming he will now be in the lap of luxury. Then his father will ask to come live with us, because, after all, we live in a mansion. You know, the ones with a split foyer. This will be accompanied with tears of how he only has a little time left in this life due to drugs,alcohol and prison life,and he wants to spend it with his brother. Of course if he comes up here to live, Gay-Ray will never get lucky again.
4:00pm...the escape
We watch the clock like a hawk, waiting for the appropriate time to start giving the nod that yes, it is time to go. DH is waiting for this moment; we are all waiting for this moment. We go through the ritual of saying our final goodbyes to the Nail for the umpteenth time, since she has had hospice in there since 2006,it is always the final goodbye.We go in order of age, youngest to oldest now.The youngest is scared and has to be forced to give a hug. DH gets the ‘you were always a good boy’ speech.You got that one right sister! They try to make us take a cake home. It smells vaguely of mothballs.We finally escape. A silent cheer goes up. You cannot hear it, but it is there just the same. We stop in a quaint little town called Cheraw, pronounced Chee-Rawwww. We get a lousy meal at the local Sonic. Then we travel home rehashing the events,thankful to the Almighty that we never settled there with our family. DH always thanks me for getting him out of there. And I always say, you’re welcome….
